Chaos Theory

I have something to confess: I still get a little misty eyed when I return from dropping my son off at daycare every morning. The house is just too quiet.

Josh has been going to daycare now for two months, though his attendance has been a bit sporadic due to sickness and travel. Still, we've kept him on as regular an attendance schedule as possible, and it has been good for him. His development has been kicked into turbocharge now that he's interacting with kids his age. And he just seems happier, at least when he's not battling colds and the like.

I've also benefitted from Joshua going to daycare. I've been a SAHD for 10 months now, and I have to admit that it's nice to have time to myself to do projects, time where I'm not constantly meeting the ever-increasing demands of a toddler. It's not that I haven't enjoyed these 10 months--in fact, they've been the most profound of my life--but, quite honestly, it's nice to have a break from Joshua for those three days a week.

I lose sight of this, though, when I return from dropping him off and walk into a silent house. When Joshua is here, the house brims with energy and noise and the wonderful babbles of a child learning to talk. The floor is alive with movement as he cruises and crawls and tosses toys all over the place. I didn't realize how satisfying and reassuring this chaos is until it was gone. I would never have guessed how much I'd miss it.

The stillness hits me like a hammer, and I'm reminded how there's nothing more wonderous in the world than watching, and hearing, a child just being a child, epecially when it's your own child. I miss the energy, the noise, the chaos. Fortunately, the silence is only temporary. He'll be home from daycare soon and once again filling the house with childhood. Until then, I'll try not to miss him.